You can find tons of information on how to parent your little, I am no expert but I can tell you what I see in my experience as a mother and a midwife.
Connection not perfection.
Our children love us no matter how we mother, birth or parent. We are biologically attuned to one another. What we can do is deepen our level of understanding and foster more connections. This doesn’t require gadgets or books or podcasts. It requires turning all that stuff off, putting the phone down, burning the to-do list, and throwing out expectations that we have unconsciously adopted. It is not the doing, but the being.
So…
If you are pregnant, SLOW DOWN rub up your belly! Lather yourself up with some oil and feel your baby through your own tissues, talk, sing or hum. What is your babes’ response? What are they telling you? What emotions come up? Maybe this activity was challenging and you felt more confused at the end, then do it again, keep waiting, make space for listening. Tune into your baby. Karen Pecora, @2heartsnesting, offers one on one sessions to guide families into a deeper connection with their growing babies.
Postpartum and breastfeeding is the hardest work, and it is 24 hours, when I feel like my baby and I aren’t aligning, I go back to basics. I burn the to-do list, let the laundry and dishes pile up, chuck my phone deep in the hamper. Then I get skin to skin with my baby, we nurse, we read, we snuggle, we gaze into each other’s eyes. Remember that these moments will soon be a memory, bask in the sweetness. If your finding that this stage is rather sour, @lauragutman_ok has an AMAZING book, Maternity, coming face to face with your own shadow her book can shed some light, it is “a resting place in the road where we can think about ourselves as mothers raising children with our sunny side and our shadow side.”
Toddlers are magical tiny humans. They often lose themselves in the experience of life. Follow their lead, one of my favorite activities is to let my toddler lead. We go to a store or park and instead of meeting your to-do list, grab yourself a coffee and just watch them experience the world. It’s liberating, sometimes they will sit on the floor in Target and try on all the shoes. You might find them perched in the grass playing with their hands, far away from the playground we brought them to. When you feel that urge to stop them, or tell them how to do something, sit down, shut up and take a breath. Oftentimes toddlers lose their shitake when we are busy and rushing them, like when we hand them a towel to dry their hands, it is so gratifying for them to complete that task by themselves. So… slow down and make space at least once a week to follow them around. It will bring connection and open more doors of understanding.
Here is a great tip for any age: @doctorshefali challenges parents to take a vow of silence, stop talking, just listen, feel, be, breathe. What feelings come up when your baby cries? When your toddler screams “NO!!!“ to your face? When your 13 year old rolls her eyes and slams the door? The more you can look at the shadows of yourself that parenting constantly exposes you to, the more space you can make for deep connection with your littles. If you want to become super enlightened and really come face to face with your deep insecurities, have a few kids.
Make eye contact, so many of us are plugged in, gazing into screens (I am right now and so are you!) When your littles talk to you or want to engage in conversation, put your electronic down, and face them eye to eye. If this is hard because you are busy, then do it for five minutes, (this doesn’t mean stare them in the eyes and tell them, “ok you’ve got five minutes, hurry up…” it means turn it off, scoop them up or turn there way and listen for a few minutes, engage with them and when you need to get back to, you get back to it.
Honor yourself, and honor your family by making space for doing the things that make YOU feel good, exercise, write, paint, dance, take a bath, get a massage, take the time to regularly take care of YOU, so you can have the space to take care of others. Also, give yourself some grace, applaud yourself, laugh at your mistakes, cry with your kids when it’s hard. Enjoy it all, lean into the challenges!
That’s it for now, I’ve got four sets of beautiful eyes that need my attention, and I need there’s too!
Lots of love,
Josie
